The Nonsense that is Baku
by Shenloken1
Summary: PART 4 ADDED!!!The conclusion to this episode of Samurai Jack has finally arrived. Click to find out how it ends. ^^ Enjoy the conclusion.
1. Default Chapter

The Nonsense that is Baku  
  
  
  
Aku rose from his fiery pit to see a band of small cat people trembling before his shadow. Each of them looked like they wanted to ask something of him.  
  
" Who disturbs the master of masters?" Aku bellowed "The deliverer of Darkness, the Shogun of Sorrow..Aku!!"  
  
"Um..your excellency.." one of the cat people said "Our village has run dry of the milk we need to feed our families. The cows are gone, and we have no more!!"  
  
"Oh?" Aku asked indignantly "I suppose you want me to give you more cows, is that right?"  
  
"Well…." The cat person started "…yes?"  
  
"HA!!!!!!" Aku laughed "You come here asking me for such pitiful livestock, without offering to give ME anything!??! Where are your sacrifices, where are your idols, where are the gifts to bring unto Aku?"  
  
"We're but poor cats." A cat girl spoke "We have not much to give you. We have nothing."  
  
"SILENCE!!!" Aku yelled (The cat people stood frozen in fear with their fur standing on end.) "To come here without offering the gifts of Aku is unacceptable. I should cast all of you into the Pit of Hate right NOW!!!"  
  
The cat people cowered in fear, and shielded their eyes from Aku.  
  
"Look!!" Aku smiled in delight "Look at how you cower before Aku. I love it!! You seem to show fear and respect, which is pitiful, but still enough to grant you your request!"  
  
  
  
The Cat people then looked up at Aku and smiled.  
  
"Oh thank you!!" the cat girl said "Oh great Aku..you are just and fair…and.."  
  
"BUT!!!!!….." Aku yelled "If I am to give you the cows you demand; I too demand something in return. You will build shrines of me, and worship me, and omit the 'Aku Vigil' at least fourteen times a day!! And you must show your gratitude; otherwise..your cows will be no more!!!"  
  
"Yes Aku!" the cat guy said "We will."  
  
"Good." Aku replied "Now….GO!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
When Aku yelled, the cats ran away, screeching like the scared cats they were. Aku just stood there laughing as he always did.  
  
  
  
"Worthless creatures!!" he sneered "Every time they come to see Aku, they always are "I want this", and "I am not worthy!!" BAH!!!!! I am tired of being sucked up to by these miserable beings I rule over!! They always ask for something from the Great Aku!! And yet, even when I grant them the request…they still look up to that fool of a warrior.. Samurai Jack!!!"  
  
Aku pulls down a poll chart with his name and Jack's on it. He then uses a pointer.  
  
"As is shown here!! Last year, my popularity was up to a great 75%!!" Aku said (He then flipped the page over.) "But now..it's been reduced to a meer 25%!! And Samurai Jack is all the way up to 75% NOW!!!"  
  
Aku grits his teeth and breaks his pointer in half.  
  
"Insolent and ungrateful beings!!" Aku snapped "I give them what they want, and ask little in return!! Why then do they despise the Great Aku; and honor the miserable Samurai Jack more!??! Why do they seek to have that Samurai end my life!???!"  
  
Aku then stroked his beard stubble.  
  
"I must think of a way to prevent these further Samurai threats. But I've done so many. How can I think of more?" Aku thought to himself.  
  
  
  
At that moment, some strange lights flashed. Aku shielded his eyes, and saw a dark figure stand before him. Same height, and same shadow.  
  
"Who?" Aku asked "…Are You?"  
  
  
  
A voice then rang; but to Aku's surprise, and discontent, it was a familiar voice, a voice he did NOT want to hear.  
  
  
  
"D'uh!!! Greeting's o' brother of mine! It is I ….. the Master of Miso Soup. The Deliverer of Pizza, the Shogun of Sushi….." the shadow yelled.  
  
"AGH!" Aku snarled "It cannot BE!!!"  
  
  
  
The shadow revealed itself, and looked similar to Aku.  
  
Well, sort of. See, this figure was about the same height, but had different features. First off, the shadow's antlers (The ones Aku had), were actually titled in different directions. The top faced up, the bottom faced down. The eyes were the same. Kind of, as they were half shut and had a dim appearance to them. And the mouth looked the same, almost. Instead of fangs, buck teeth stuck out. And instead of a beard, a long tongue hung low.  
  
  
  
The Shadow revealed himself to be…..  
  
"Baku.." The shadow said dimly. (Sounding rather stupid.)  
  
"BAKU!!" Aku yelled "My brother!! What are YOU doing here?"  
  
"D'uh, I came to say 'hi' oh dearest brother of mine. ^__^" Baku said dimly.  
  
"NO!!" Aku yelled "You were locked away in the 'Pit of Ignorance'!!! How did YOU escape!??"  
  
"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…….." Baku began. (Rolling his dim eyes back and forth, and looking at his forehead for answers.) "Ummmmmm ….. I dunno. ^_^"  
  
"Gergh!!" Aku growled "You FORGOT!??"  
  
  
  
Baku shook his head violently. "Yep. Yep. Yep. ^_^" he replied.  
  
"Impossible!!" Aku yelled "Anyone of your idiotic caliber can NEVER escape the 'Pit of Ignorance'. It's just as hard to escape as 'The Pit of Hate!'"  
  
"Gimme a hug. ^__^" Baku smiled.  
  
"Eh …. NO!!!!!!!" Aku shouted!!  
  
"Huggie time. ^__^" Baku replied.  
  
"GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" Aku yelled.  
  
"C'mon. Huggies. ^__^" Baky replied. (Opening his arms to Aku.)  
  
"AWAY YOU IMBECILE!!" Aku belowed.  
  
  
  
Too late. Baku sprang forward and hugged his brother, smiling sappily. Aku frowned and grimaced angrily.  
  
"D'uh, it's good to see you o' brother of mine!! Kissies!!" Baku replied. (He then licked the side of Aku with his long tongue.)  
  
"BBLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" Aku roared. (He then punched Baku in the face, sending him flying and crashing into the cave wall. Baku came back up and giggled.  
  
"Hee hee hee!" Baku chuckled. "You're funny. ^_^"  
  
"And you are annoying." Aku growled.  
  
"So whatchya been up to bro?" Baku asked.  
  
"Same thing as always." Aku sneered "Infesting this horrendous planet with my evil."  
  
"Cool. ^_^" Baku smiled "Can I join you?"  
  
"No." Aku replied.  
  
"Can I?" Baku asked again.  
  
"No." Aku replied.  
  
"Please?" Baku asked.  
  
"no" Aku replied.  
  
"Please." Baku asked yet again.  
  
"No.!" Aku yelled.  
  
"Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please." Baku replied over and over again hopping up and down.  
  
"NNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Aku yelled, and then trying to hit Baku "Why are you annoying ME!???!"  
  
"Because I love you. ^__^" Baku said.  
  
"I hate "Love" Aku sneered "Now that you are out of the Pit of Ignorance, my life is being more stressful ten fold."  
  
"Why bro?" Baku asked.  
  
"As if your tiny simple mind would understand." Aku sneered "But I'll tell you anyway. For centuries, I dominated this miserable little planet. Every human and creature trembled before my wrath. And before that, there was only one human who dared defy me. The Samurai they call Jack! Samurai Jack!! With a magic sword, he nearly ended my life and reign; until, I tore open a portal in time, and flung him into the future, as is now the present!! Now, the people hear tales of the Samurai's feats, and even the near destruction of me by his sword. I have lost much respect and fear from the people, as they now live in hope that the Samurai will finally end my life, and go back in time to undo the Evil that is Aku!!"  
  
  
  
"……………………….." Baku just stared blankly at Aku.  
  
"I knew it." Aku muttered "You're too simple minded to understand my story."  
  
"Oh uh, I understand it." Baku replied smiling "But uh, tell me again about the party with the baby duckies again."  
  
"What ducks?" Aku asked impatiently.  
  
"There were duckies in your story." Baku said.  
  
"No there wasn't." Aku muttered under his breath.  
  
"I like duckies. ^_^" Baku smiled.  
  
"Shut up." Aku snarled "My story was TRYING to tell you about a man named 'Jack' who has been attempting to end my life!! Do you understand that at all?!?"  
  
"What's this gotta do with the duckies again?" Baku asked.  
  
"NOTHING!!" Aku yelled "Someone named 'Jack' is trying to kill me!!"  
  
"A duckie's gonna kill you Aku?" Baku asked.  
  
"NO DUCKS!!" Aku yelled "NO DUCKS AT ALL!!!! A MAN… M-A-N, IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!! HIS NAME, IS JACK!!! A MAN, NOT A STUPID DUCK!!"  
  
"ooooooooohhhhhhhh." Baku said.  
  
"Finally." Aku muttered.  
  
"Did the duckies tell 'Jack' to kill you?" Baku asked.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Aku yelled in extreme frustration.  
  
  
  
But before Aku was ready to strangle Baku in extreme submission, Baku, somewhat, go the message.  
  
"Oh, no duckies then?" Baku asked.  
  
"ergh…" Aku mutterd "Yes."  
  
"Oh." Baku said "I like em tho.'"  
  
"So I suppose being stuck in the Pit of Ignorance has not given you enough time to think." Aku said "Which actually was the full 90 % of your life. Very well then, why don't I show you just what my nemesis is, and why he is a threat to me. Follow me brother."  
  
"Okee dokey. ^_^" Baku smiled.  
  
  
  
So Aku led his brother into the depths of his domain. He led him down a long stairwell into a deep dark fiery area. Surrounding the area were strange and scary statues. In the center of the room was a large round well filled with purple liquids.  
  
"We goin' swimming?" Baku asked.  
  
"THIS.." Aku explained "…Is 'The Pond of the Past'. Here I look back into the past, and remember how I came into law.":  
  
"Can we swim in it?" Baku asked.  
  
"NO IDIOT!!" Aku yelled "This is a sacred pond, where you view the past. Don't you even dare stick a…."  
  
"CANNONBALL!!!!!" Baku yelled. (He then jumped into the pond, splashing Aku with purple water. Baku then splashed the water around with his arms.) "Hee hee hee!!!! FUN!! ^__^"  
  
  
  
Aku then grabbed Baku by his antlers, and flung him onto the ground.  
  
"YOU IDIOTIC INFIDEL!!" Aku yelled "Just stand by me, and DO NOT jump back in!!! Just LOOK in the pond!!!"  
  
"Oh … okay." Baku said. "But can we swim in it later?"  
  
"NO!!" Aku yelled "Just PLEASE, shut up and look in this pond!"  
  
"Oh." Baku replied.  
  
  
  
So Aku, raised his mighty hands and waved them over the pool. Baku stared blankly into it. Soon, the pond rippled strangely, which looked interesting to Baku. (But then again, string fascinated Baku just as much.) Soon, two images appeared in the pond as they ran across the plains. They were that of Samurai Jack, and his friend, the Scotsman.  
  
"THAT…" Aku sneered "Is my fool nemesis, SAMURAI JACK!!"  
  
"Oh….." Baku replied "Gee. He sure is fat, and bald. He's also wearing a skirt. Heh heh. ^_^"  
  
"NO!!!" Aku yelled "That's that fool Scottsman he traveled with. (Pointing to the correct image of Jack.) THAT…..is Samurai Jack!!"  
  
  
  
Baku took a closer look into the pool; and saw Jack.  
  
"Oh." Baku replied "You mean the guy in a dress?"  
  
"It is NOT a dress." Aku replied "It's a robe. And pay attention. THIS is the present age of the Samurai. Note how he runs, and how he carries that magic sword. That stare, that sneer, that figure; it shows what determination he has to try and destroy me."  
  
"He has girly hair." Baku smiled.  
  
"LOOK!!" Aku sneered "I am TRYING to make a point to you!!"  
  
"That your enemy's a girly man?" Baku asked.  
  
"NO!!!" Aku yelled "ALRIGHT!! I'm taking you back further into the past to see how dangerous he really is!! May your sponge like head actually try and absorb!!"  
  
  
  
Aku then waved his hands over the pool. The water rippled again. Soon, another image appeared. It was the tall proud image of Jack's father from the past.  
  
"Who's the old guy?" Baku asked.  
  
"Jack's father." Aku sneered "The fool who imprisoned me in the Pit of Hate many centuries back! When I was freed from that Pit, I took my revenge. Now look harder."  
  
  
  
Soon, another image appeared. It was that of the smaller kid version of Samurai Jack, with his mother and father in the palace complex of Japan.  
  
"You see…" Aku sneered "That Samurai came from a real noble bloodline, in which his father fought me. And there. (Pointing to the family's sacred sword.) there is the sacred sword that was used against me. No other force could destroy me except that sword!!"  
  
"The big pointy thing?" Baku asked dimly.  
  
"SIGH. Yes." Aku sneered "Three monks created this magical sword, which could cut through my evil. But low, after many years of suffering in the Pit of Hate, I came again to end this!!"  
  
Soon, the image in the pond changed into a huge tree where Aku was imprisoned. The moon which freed him soon came into view, and the tree broke releasing Aku. The image then changed to Aku's attack on Jack's town. It showed the young version of Jack watching in horror as Aku held Jack's father in his clutches. Jack's mother then grabbed the sword and Jack to a boat where they escaped. The image showed the tall image of Aku laughing loudly with flames surrounding him and Jack's father in his clutches.  
  
  
  
"Gee Aku. You sure look happy there!! Looks like everybody had fun. ^_^" Baku smiled.  
  
"NOT everyone." Aku sneered "As soon as Jack went away, I enslaved the village, and forced them to mine for precious energy crystals, and to build more images in my likeness. I demoted that once proud emperor, into a lowly mine worker, who slaved for hours pushing my statue. And then, the Samurai finally came, and TRIED to liberate his people. But….."  
  
The image then changed to that of the adult version of Samurai Jack confronting Aku in his lair. The action ensued as Jack swung his sword at Aku, as Aku kept changing into different animals. When Aku was near defeat by Jack's sword, Aku then opened his mouth, revealing the time portal which transported Jack into the future. The very far future.  
  
  
  
"So, to save myself from the Samurai's victory, I flung him into the future. And from learning where he honed his skills from this pond, I then set my conquest out further, destroying all towns and mentors he learned from. Now the fool seeks to return to the past as he has been trying for many years." Aku said.  
  
Numerous images of Jack fighting and destroying Aku's numerous robots and minions. All the situations Jack was in, were soon got out of.  
  
"The Samurai has eluded me and my numerous creations for so many years. He has even been so close to me, and had almost done me in as well. My reign is still being threatened by the Samurai's presence." Aku growled.  
  
The images then faded from the pond. Aku then faced Baku.  
  
"NOW do you see what a threat to me and my reign he is!?" Aku said "And you will be threatened to by him. He is cunning, swift, and strong. Too many times he has eluded me and nearly destroyed me."  
  
"Ohhhhhh…" Baku said "So ummmmmmmmmmm ……… when do we get him?"  
  
"What do you mean WE!?!" Aku asked angrily "You're not going after him!"  
  
"Aww gee Aku. I wanna help." Baku said.  
  
"You're too simple minded to even use your powers (If any.) I must still think of ways to rid myself of my strangely powerful nemesis." Aku sneered "And YOU my brother, would never be a help to me at all."  
  
"Oh, okay then." Baku said "You have fun trying to kill him. I wanna go into the fridge and see if you have any chips. ^_^"  
  
"I don't have any." Aku said "And I'd prefer it if you weren't here!!"  
  
"Okay. Can I swim now?" Baku asked.  
  
"What…NO!!!" Aku yelled.  
  
"SWIM TIME!!!" Baku yelled.  
  
  
  
Baku then jumped back into the 'Pond of the Past', splashing Aku again. Baku began splashing around.  
  
"Weeeeeeee!! Beach ball Aku!! Wanna beach ball!! ^_^" Baku smiled.  
  
"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Aku yelled "Why am I always cursed with annoyances!!!!??" 


	2. The Nonsense that is Baku: Chapter 2

So the days passed in Aku's lair. Baku still hung around like a plague; giving Aku constant headaches and problems over Baku's stupidity.  
  
" Hey Aku, what's this thingy!?" Baku asked looking at a golden ring.  
  
" That is the 'Ring of Karudano'!" Aku started "It controls all the rich sources of the planet's co...DON'T TOUCH IT!!!"  
  
" Ooooooo..pretty. ^_^" Baku speculated after he put on the ring.  
  
All at once the earth began to shake as massive earthquakes began to shake the area around. Aku quickly took the ring off Baku's finger.  
  
" IDIOT!!!!" Aku yelled!  
  
"Uh, what?" Baku asked.  
  
" When I say don't touch, I mean.." Aku scolded.  
  
" And what's this thingy!?" Baku asked looking at a vase.  
  
" That is the Ming Vase of Gretano! It contains all the seasons of the Earth in.." Aku started.  
  
" ew! There's a bug on it. =( I get it. ^^" Baku said.  
  
Baku then swatted the vase, which he knocked over and broke. All at once, the season changed from summer into freezing water.  
  
" Aw! Vase broke." =( Baku dimly replied.  
  
"GRRRRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHH!! DON'T TOUCH ANY..." Aku shouted.  
  
" Hey! A Halloween mask! Ha ha. ^^" Baku happily said as he put on a nearby skull mask!  
  
"NOT the MASK OF VORTUNA!!!!!" Aku shouted.  
  
The mask controlled the cosmos! When Baku put the mask on, tiny meteorites began flying towards Earth, straight towards Aku's lair! Aku saw the meteorites heading towards him. In a quick panic he stole the mask away from Baku; and the meteorites fell harmlessly to the ground.  
  
"IDIOT!!!!" Aku yelled bopping Baku on the head with the mask! "LEAVE MY VALUABLES ALONE!!!!"  
  
" Let's play some games. ^^" Baku said cheerily.  
  
'I don't want t.." Aku replied.  
  
" I'm thinking of an animal. ^_^" Baku began.  
  
"We're not going to..." Aku started.  
  
" It has eight legs." Baku started.  
  
" I am NOT IN THE.." Aku replied.  
  
" It's fuzzy. ^^" Baku said.  
  
" This is so stup.." Aku angrily began.  
  
" It makes sticky things and eats flies. ^_^" Baku said again.  
  
" Grrr..." Aku groaned now going along with Baku's game "...it's a spider." -_-  
  
" Nope! It's a purple fuzzy octopus! Ha ha ha! ^__^" Baku replied.  
  
"Octopi do not eat flies! =(" Aku angrily corrected.  
  
" You do one now bro!!" Baku insisted.  
  
" I am NOT GOING TO..." Aku began.  
  
" Please!?" Baku pleaded.  
  
" Grrr.alright. But only if you leave me alone!" Aku replied.  
  
" Kay! ^_^" Baku dimly replied.  
  
"Okay." Aku said, finally giving in. " I am thinking of a certain organism! It is small and..."  
  
" A Purple Frog! ^__^" Baku guessed.  
  
" I'm not done yet." Aku replied indignantly.  
  
" A Yellow Elephant. ^_^" Baku guessed again.  
  
" Give me a..." Aku started.  
  
"A Red Doggie! ^_^" Baku guessed once again.  
  
" Well you shut up, and let me..." Aku snapped.  
  
" A Green Penguin!! I WIN. ^__^" Baku replied triumphantly.  
  
" GRRRAAAARRRRRGGHHHH!! I HATE YOU!!!!" Aku screamed.  
  
" I love you. ^_^" Baku replied smiling.  
  
Aku: ...X-(  
  
" Let's play another game. ^^" Baku said.  
  
" No!" Aku snarled.  
  
"Let's play Hide and Seek! ^__^" Baku said in excitement.  
  
"We are not playing.." Aku started.  
  
" You're it. Count to ten and find me. ^__^" Baku said; obviously not hearing Aku.  
  
" I am NOT PLAY..." Aku began.  
  
"Please!?" Baku pleaded.  
  
" NO!" Aku snapped.  
  
" Pleeeeasse!?" Baku pleaded.  
  
" NO!! NO!!" Aku bellowed.  
  
" Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeee eeee!!?!?" Baku continuously begged, making it long and annoying.  
  
" Grrrr...ALRIGHT!!!!!!!" Aku yelled.  
  
" Hooray! ^^" Baku shouted in glee.  
  
" Now get lost! And I will make no real attempts in finding you!" Aku snapped.  
  
" Okeey dokey. ^_^" Baku replied.  
  
Aku hid his face to the wall and began to count.  
  
"1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10!! Okay, here I.." Aku started.  
  
Aku turned around and saw Baku standing right there!  
  
"What are you still doing here!??" Aku asked.  
  
"I'm hiding!! ^_^" Baku replied.  
  
"Well I found you already. -___-" Aku replied. More annoyed than ever.  
  
"Shucks! Okay, now YOU hide!! ^__~" Baku said.  
  
" I'm not playing this." Aku started.  
  
"C'mon!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaa.." Baku pleaded again.  
  
" ALRIGHT!!" Aku snapped "Begin the counting to 10, and I'll go hide. (Why am I doing this!??? )"  
  
" 1..um..um...um...6....um..um...59..." Baku counted.  
  
  
  
While Baku was busy counting; Aku escaped from his lair and went to a high mountain, where he was alone.  
  
"Grrrr!!!" Aku growled "Why do I have to be cursed!?? My brother should have remained in the Pit of Ignorance for as long as possible! How did he ever escape, and why!??! Why does he return to haunt me with his complete stupidity!?? I curse him, I rebuke him, and I want him out of my life as clearly stated to him as possible! Yet he STILL lingers around my domain!! It's as if he is toying with my patience!"  
  
Aku stroked his beard stubble, and began to speculate on how it would be possible for him to get rid of his brother!  
  
"I cannot kill my own brother! For if I did, I too would destroy a part of me. And member of my family who would be destroyed would lead to a chain reaction! Even trapped, they are still alive. But to kill one would mean the end of the bloodlines of the shape shifting wizards! Besides, even I.the evil Aku, wouldn't even stoop so low as to kill my brother!" Aku cursed.  
  
He then continued to think.  
  
"Yet..if there was just a way I could seal him back into the Pit of Ignorance! The extent of my knowledge is the Pit of Hate; and even my brother's idiotic calibur would not allow him in there! How then do I send him to the Pit of Ignorance!!? What material on Earth would know where to send.." Aku began.  
  
Then, Aku remembered. He remembered the one person who could possible annoy him more than his own brother. The person who was his bitter enemy. The person who held a sword that was enchanted. The sword that flung Aku back into the Pit of Hate. The person known as..  
  
"Samurai Jack!!" Aku said in glee. "Yeeeeessssssss! =) Surely that sword he holds sends any demon of any form back to whence they came!! Surely the sword will automatically send my brother to the Pit of Ignorance!! If I just send my brother to fight that lowly samurai; then he will surely lose! Once Jack flings his sword into my brother; my brother will be sent back into the Pit of Ignorance! And even better; this adds another step to my plan! That pitiful samurai knows not of my brother's existence! I am almost sure he will assume that my brother is actually me! We are similar in appearances! And when that foolish Samurai flings my brother into the Pit of Ignorance; he will assume that I have been defeated. This will make him off his guard; and then..I will strike!!! The baffled samurai will no longer be able to counter my sneak attack! And I will be rid of him and my brother at the same time!! Ironically..with HIS help!!!!!! HAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
With Aku's plan in motion, he then teleported back to his lair; expecting to see Baku finding him. But when we returned, he saw that Baku was still counting.  
  
"Duh..12..7...Q..80...14..." Baku continued counting "4....Pi....10!!! Ready or not, here I.."  
  
Baku then saw Aku standing right in front of him!  
  
"Oh lookey! I found you. ^__^" Baku replied joyfully.  
  
"Indeed you have." Aku smiled "Well done brother!"  
  
"Hee hee! Let's play another game!!" Baku replied.  
  
"NO!! Er.I mean.." Aku quickly corrected himself, and then smiled slyly. "Yes, of course! Let us have another event!"  
  
"Oh boy! ^__^" Baku smiled.  
  
"This time.'I' have a game for YOU!!" Aku sneered, but still smiling!"  
  
"You do!?!" Baku smiled.  
  
"Yessssss!" Aku smiled wickedly. "It's called 'Beat the Samurai'!"  
  
"Beat the Salami?" Baku asked; obviously not listening.  
  
"No, no!" Aku corrected "It's 'Beat the SAM-UR-AI!"  
  
"Beat the Sasami?" Baku asked.  
  
"NO!!" Aku yelled "Beat THE SAM-UR-AIIIIII!!!"  
  
"Beat the Seagull!??" Baku asked.  
  
"NOOOO!!!" Aku yelled. "HERE!!"  
  
Aku then pulled out a picture of Samurai Jack, and pointed to it!  
  
"BEAT HIM!!!" Aku yelled pointing to the picture of Samurai Jack.  
  
"Oooooohhhhh!" Baku said "The guy in the dress you showed me!"  
  
"Yes! That's correct. ^^" Aku said (I'm surprised you remembered. -__-()  
  
"So uh..how do I play?" Baku asked.  
  
"This is a role-playing game!" Aku replied.  
  
"D'uh, what's that?" Baku asked.  
  
"It is a game where you pretend to be another person or individual when playing!" Aku replied.  
  
"Oh, I see!" Baku replied. "Okay then! I'm a monkey! ^_^"  
  
"No!" Aku said "You are not."  
  
"Oot oot! Awk Awk!! I'm a monkey!!" Baku replied (Jumping up and down like a monkey!)  
  
"No, you are not a monk." Aku started. (Getting impatient again.)  
  
"Ooot ott.gimme a banana! ^^" Baku chimed.  
  
"You are not a MONKEY!!!" Aku sneered.  
  
"But I wanna be a monkey!" =( Baku whined.  
  
"NO!!" Aku yelled "In this game.you are AKU!!"  
  
"Aku the Monkey!! ^_^" Baku replied "Oot oot! I am Aku the Monkey!! ^__^"  
  
"NOOOOOO!!!!" Aku yelled. "In this game you are ME!!!! Not as a monkey!! Me, AKU!!!"  
  
"No monkey?" Baku asked.  
  
"YES!!" Aku yelled "You are AKU!!"  
  
"Oh..okay." Baku said "But I still wanna be a monkey." =(  
  
"Ergh..." Aku growled, growing more frustrated. "Alright then; listen. As Aku, you are to play this game how it is told!"  
  
"Kay." Baku replied.  
  
"The Samurai is your enemy. You are Aku, and you must stop him!" Aku said. "In roder to do that, you must play the game by fighting the Samurai."  
  
"Fight?" Baku asked.  
  
"Yes." Aku said. "FIGHT HIM!!"  
  
"Oh." Baku said. "So I find the guy, and fight him; and I'm you right?"  
  
"EXACTLY!! ^^" Aku replied. "Glad you are able to know that."  
  
"D'uh; okay! I'll go play the game now. ^^" Baku said. "And I'm Aku!! ^_^"  
  
"YES!! =)" Aku smiled. "Now; let me locate where the Samurai is; so I can transport you to meet him."  
  
Aku then looked on his mirror on his flaming wall. In the mirror, he saw Samurai Jack running alongside the fields, with his friend, the Scotsman.  
  
"So, he is located in the Fields of Feriner." Aku said. "Perfect place for a battleground.I mean, game!"  
  
"Yipee! ^__^" Baku said "Play time. ^_^"  
  
"Indeed!" Aku said "No hold still brother; I will transport you to meet your playmate! And remember, you ARE AKU!"  
  
"I am Aku. ^_^" Baku replied "Not a monkey tho'. =("  
  
"Yes..well." Aku replied. "Time for you to play!"  
  
In that moment, Aku with his teleportation techniques; flung Baku into a white light where he would be transported to meet the Samurai. He disappeared into a swirling pattern.  
  
"Now!!" Aku began. "Comes the end of TWO of my annoyances! Ah.life has gotten better for me already. ^_^"  
  
At that moment, Baku appeared out of the spiral again.  
  
"Hey Aku!" Baku said "Can I have my fruit juice before I go!?!"  
  
"WHAT!??!" Aku sneered "GRRRRR...HERE!! NOW GET GOING!!"  
  
Aku handed Baku his fruit juice container.  
  
"Thankies! ^^" Baku replied. He then went back into the swirling portal.  
  
"Phew!" Aku sighed. "Now, let two of my annoyances be.."  
  
Baku reappeared out of the portal again.  
  
"Can I have some graham crackers!? ^_^" Baku asked.  
  
"GRRRRRRRRRR!!!" Aku sneered. "ALRIGHT!! HERE.TAKE THEM AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL THE GAME IS OVER!!!!!"  
  
Aku angrily handed the graham crackers over to Baku.  
  
"Thankies again. ^_^" Baku smiled. He then returned into the portal.  
  
"At last.." Aku replied "My two annoyances will meet their..."  
  
Baku reappeared out of the portal again.  
  
"I want some fruit snacks! ^_^" Baku said.  
  
"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!" Aku yelled.  
  
Aku then grabbed Aku and shoved him into the portal.  
  
"JUST PLAY THE GAME AND STOP BOTHERING ME!!!!!!" Aku yelled.  
  
Aku, after shoving Baku in, quickly zipped the portal up so Baku could no longer get in.  
  
"Ergh.this is more frustrating than I assumed." Aku said. "I'm having quite a tumor over this. -__-"  
  
  
  
  
  
Now Baku is sent to do Aku's dirty work. But will Aku's plan work!? Find out in the next chapter of 'The Nonsense that is Baku'.  
  
NOTW: I know, Aku's name for the game 'Beat the Samurai' sounds a little dirty. But it's not!! So here's a message from the Shogun of Sorrow to correct you pervs. ^__~  
  
Aku: The name of my game has no relation to anything dirty whatsoever!! If you even thought of that; I shall cast you into the 'Pit of Lust' where my cousin 'Faku' is imprisoned!! We now resume to our usually idiocy of this fan fic written by that foolish and ignorant human, Shenloken!! 


	3. Nonsense that is Baku: Part 3

Elsewhere; in the Fields of Feriner, Samurai Jack and his friend, the Scotsman were walking through the fields. Both were discussing similar problems they had.  
  
"So laddy." The Scotsman said "You actually were SO close to Aku that ya nearly destroyed him!?"  
  
"yes." Jack said quietly. "But many times, over and over again; he has escaped. I came so close; so VERY close. But Aku always to elude me."  
  
"Aye." The Scotsman said "Like when ya joined those gangstas just ta get close to him; or when he used those Tricaraquins to capture ya, or even when he got yer sword that time in the graveyard, and nearly done away with ya. I've heard so many of those from ya."  
  
"Let us not forget those other times as well." Jack said. "He even disguised himself as a woman one time just to destroy a time teleporting jewel. Or sent his dirty henchman, Demongo to try and absorb my essence. And no matter where, and how, Aku may not have beaten me, but I have never been able to fully defeat him."  
  
"But I'm sure you'll get him laddy." The Scotsman replied. "And I know you'll find yer way back!"  
  
"Thank you." Jack replied. "You are a good friend. But I just hope to meet Aku again. Because this time.. I will make sure he is flung back into the 'Pit of Hate' where he belongs. And then, to travel back in time, and face him again to restore peace and order to this corrupt world for the future."  
  
"Good lad." The Scotsman said. "And ya know somethin' else; I'd like to see Aku here too!! I'd punch his butt ugly, pickle green, fire browed, dog- toothed face in!!!"  
  
"Indeed!!" Jack said. "If Aku were here right now; we'd be able to do away with him and have no trouble reaching our goals!! If only, he would appear..now!"  
  
And at that exact word! A bright light flashed from the sky. Both Jack and the Scotsman shielded their eyes as the bright light nearly blinded them.  
  
"What is this!??" Jack yelled!  
  
"I dun' know laddie!!" The Scotsman yelled. "Maybe the sun exploded or somethin'!!"  
  
"No jokes." Jack replied. "This is serious!"  
  
The light then faded, as a huge swirl in the sky appeared.  
  
"GASP!!" Jack said!! "Look!! A huge swirling object in the sky!! This could be ... A portal through time!! =D"  
  
"Dun' get too excited yet lad." The Scotsman said.  
  
"Hmm..wait!!" Jack said. "I sense an evil presence with that portal!!"  
  
"I smell sumthin' as well." The Scotsman said. "But it could just be me."  
  
"No." Jack said. "I recognize that sensation."  
  
At that moment a huge dark shadow poured out of the portal. It formed itself in an image that looked familiar to Jack, but somewhat different.  
  
There in front of Jack stood.not aku, but Baku. Though Jack did not know it. Baku stared dimly at Jack. Jack and the Scotsman both stepped back in horror as they fixed their gaze on Baku's, simple-minded face!"  
  
"AKU!!!!!!!" Both Jack and the Scotsman replied.  
  
Baku then looked down, and smiled. Though not evily, but dimly like always.  
  
"D'uh.yep, I'm Aku. ^_^" Baku said. "The Master of Miso Soup! The Deliverer of Pizza, and the Shogun of Sushi!! I'm Aku!! Not a monkey! I'm Aku. ^____^"  
  
Jack and the Scotsman looked sternly at Baku.  
  
"He's speaking in some strange form of communication." Jack said.  
  
"Gotta be a trick lad." The Scotsman said. "It's like a riddle or somethin'."  
  
"Riddle?" Baku asked dimly. "Oh yeah..riddles!! ^__^ I love riddles!! Do ya know this one!?? Why is a Crow like a writing desk?"  
  
"AKU!!" Jack yelled "No tricks this time..you will."  
  
"Give up!??" Baku asked stupidly. "To get to the other side!! HA HA HA HA HA!! ^___^"  
  
"AKU!!!!!" Jack yelled "Stop your foolish trickery at once! It will not save you this time!! I have longed to meet you again so we could end it here!! And now, I have a partner with me; and you surely will be defeated!!"  
  
"YEAH!!" The Scotsman yelled. "Time to put ya outta yer misery ya filthy black inked sod!!"  
  
"......." Baku just stared blankly. "Ummmmm..Hey! I gotta another joke for you guys. ^_^"  
  
"A joke!??" Jack asked impatiently. "This foolishness is..wait a second."  
  
Jack then remembered a time when he faced a two headed worm that tricked him by using Jack. So Jack assumed that Aku (Who was actually Baku) was using the same strategy.  
  
"So Aku!!" Jack yelled "You think jokes are going to save your.."  
  
"What do you get when an elephant sits on your bed? ^_^" Baku dimly asked.  
  
"No games Aku!!!" Jack yelled "We fight."  
  
"Give up!?" Baku asked. "To keep their pants up!! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!! ^__^"  
  
"This is RIDICULOUS!!!" Jack yelled. "Aku, this has to be your worst strategy yet!! To fool me into thinking that you're acting like an imbecile!! You are not dealing with children Aku!! You are dealing with."  
  
"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Baku asked again.  
  
"ENOUGH!!" Jack yelled. "Aku..I will destroy.."  
  
"Give up?" Baku asked. "Time to get a new bed!! HA HA HA HA!! ^__^"  
  
  
  
Back in Aku's lair, Aku was viewing his brother's progress on his mirror. He was growing very impatient. He then used his voice to be heard only through his brother's head.  
  
"THAT IDIOT IS DRIVING ME INSANE!!" Aku yelled. "HE BETTER START FIGHTING NOW!!!!"  
  
Aku's voice was then transmitted into Baku's head. Baku then heard the voice of his disgruntled brother.  
  
"IDIOT!!!!" Aku yelled through Baku's head. "DON'T FORGET WHY YOU'RE HERE!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT AND BEAT THE SAMURAI!! NOT TELL IDIOTIC JOKES TO HIM!!!! GET GOING BROTHER.NOWWWWWWWW!!!!!"  
  
"Ohhhh." Baku said. (Looking at the sky.) "D'uh sorry..I'm read to play game now!! ^_^"  
  
"Hey!" The Scotsman whispered to Jack. "What's aku doin' lookin' at the sky and talking to himself like that!??"  
  
"Do not be decieved." Jack said. "He is obviously using this as a way of toying with our minds! He's putting on this charade to make us believe that he has become ignorant."  
  
"Du'h hey..I'm not ignorantte.." Baku replied dimly. "I'm a moron. ^_^ Now let's start playing!!"  
  
"You mean fighting!!" Jack yelled. "Yes!! Let us begin!! And this time Aku..you will not walk away!"  
  
"Yipee!! Playtime. ^__^" Baku yelled. "Let's start playing."  
  
"You mean fighting." Jack said. "I mean.AKU..enough with these games!! You must be defeated!"  
  
"Let's doooo this!!" The Sctosman snapped.  
  
At that moment Jack and the Scotsman leaped at Baku. Baku just stood there looking blankly at them in slow motion as they were raising their swords at them.  
  
"Heyyyyy." Baku said dimly. "They got big pointy things. Hmm.is that bad ?Wait a minute. I know. I just need to remember what Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny said. ^_^"  
  
  
  
Baku remembered an episode of his favorite show, Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny that he had watched when he was with Aku.  
  
In his flashback, Baku was sitting on the floor watching television in aku's lair. He was watching Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny. Aku then stormed in.  
  
"HI KIDSS!" Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny said on the TV. (He was a short white rabbit walking upright in a pinstripe suit wearing Dexter glasses and had buck teeth.)  
  
"Hello Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny. ^_^" Baku said.  
  
"GERGHH!!" Aku growled. "You're not watching that IDIOTIC TRASH again ARE YOU!???"  
  
"Yep." Baku said dimly. "Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny is our friend. ^_^"  
  
"Remember kids. I'm Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny. ^_^" Fluffy Nutty replied on TV. "And I'm your friend. ^_^"  
  
NOTE: Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny sounds like Roger Rabbit.  
  
"See Aku?" Baku said. "Friend. Good. ^_^"  
  
"THIS IS STUPID!!" Aku growled. "You're over 2,000 years old. When will you learn to act your age!??"  
  
"Sssh..Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny's got sumthin' to say Aku. ^_^" Baku said.  
  
"Today's lesson kids.." Mr. Fluffy NuttyBunny said. "..Is what to avoid! Avoid Pointy sharp things!! Like glass, knives, or even.swords!!"  
  
"SWORDS!!" Aku growled. "That's the only intelligent advice that dumb rabbit has given!!"  
  
"Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny's always right! He's smart Aku. ^_^" Baku said.  
  
"And you are NOT!!!" Aku growled.  
  
"So let's sing along to the 'Avoid Sharp Pointy Things Song." Mr. Fluffy Nutty said.  
  
"Oh boy!! Sing along!!" Baku replied happily!!  
  
"NO SINGING!!!" Aku yelled "I'm turning off this ridiculous rubbish right NOWWW!!"  
  
Sing Along to the dumb Rabbit's song.  
  
Avoid Sharp Pointy things  
  
(Sung to the tune of 'Pop goes the Weasel')  
  
When you come up to a sharp thing.  
  
There's one thing you should know-ow!  
  
If you wanna touch or feel it.  
  
Just WALk away..and say no-no!!  
  
WALK away..and say no-no!"  
  
"Walk away and say No-No!!" HEE HEE!! ^_^" Baku smiled!  
  
Aku then quickly turned off the TV.  
  
  
  
"Aw gee..where'd Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny go? =(" Baku asked dimly.  
  
"You are not going to watch that stupid show ever again!!!" Aku yelled "It only makes you more of an idiot, and only makes me more annoyed!! Now get out and go play with string or something!!!"  
  
"Aw.okay." Baku grimaced. He then saw a sharp stallagtite hanging from the cave. "AHHHH!!! SHARP POINTY THING!! Oopp.that's right."  
  
Baku then walked away from it and looked back at it.  
  
"NO!! ^_^" Baku replied. "Yipee! I walked away from sharp pointy thing and said 'NO!" Just like what Mr. Fluffy Nutty said. I'm getting smart.like Mr. Fluffy Nutty. ^_^"  
  
"You and that stupid rabbit are both the dumbest creatures on this miserable planet!!!" Aku snarled. "Now shut up and go AWAY!!!"  
  
"Okay! ^_^" Baku said. As he walked away he saw another sharp stalgtite. "AHHH!!! NO!! ^_^"  
  
He then saw more around Aku's cave, as they were filled with them.  
  
"No, no, no ,no, no, no, no, no, no." Baku keptsaying to the sharp stallagtites."  
  
"ArrrrrrrrrrGGGGGGGGGGHHHH..SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Aku yelled!  
  
Flashback over. Back to where Baku and Jack and the Scotsman were.  
  
"Hey.yeah. ^_^" Baku said.  
  
Just as Jack and the Scotsman were about to strike Baku. Baku then stepped away. Jack and the Scotsman missed.  
  
"D'uh..no!" Baku said.  
  
"AKU!!" Jack yelled. "This time I won't miss!"  
  
Jack then jumped. Baku saw Jack's sword and panicked!  
  
"AHHH!!! Big sharp pointy thing!!!" Baku yelled.  
  
Baku then ducked and Jack missed again.  
  
"No!" Baku said.  
  
The Scotsman then leaped at Baku. Baku then saw his sword.  
  
"ACK!! Another Pointy Sharp Thing!!" Baku said.  
  
Baku ducked again.  
  
"No!!!" Baku said. "Du'h..Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny told me to say 'No' to sharp pointy things!! And Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny's never wrong!!"  
  
"What? O.o" Jack asked in confusion.  
  
"Dun' listen to him laddie." The Scotsman said. "Like ya said. It's all a trick!"  
  
"You're right!" Jack said. "Just a trick!"  
  
"Hey!!" Baku dimly said. "Respect Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny! He nevers tries to trick people! He's our friend. ^_^"  
  
"This is getting stranger still." Jack said.  
  
Back in Aku's lair, aku grew even more impatient, as he saw what his brother was doing.  
  
"GRRRAARRGGHHH!!" Aku growled. "THAT IMBECILE OF A BROTHER IS USING THAT STUPID RABBIT SHOW AS A WEAPON!!!??? IDIOT!!!"  
  
Aku then talked through Baku's head again!!  
  
"MORON!!!" Aku yelled through Baku's head. "DON'T USE THAT STUPID RABIT SHOW!! TRANSFORM INTO A TERRIFYING BEAST.NOW!!!!"  
  
"Oh..okay. ^_^" Baku said.  
  
Baku then jumped in the air and started twirling around.  
  
"Grr.." Jack growled. "He must be dropping that idiotic bit, and is starting to transform. Now I think Aku is ready to do some real fighting."  
  
"Aye." The Scotsman said. "Wonder what kinda beast he'll become? A scorpion? An octopus? A ram!? A dragon!??"  
  
When Baku was done transforming he then landed on the ground. But Jack and the Scotsman couldn't see him.  
  
"Where'd he go?" The Scotsman asked.  
  
"Perhaps he disappeared." Jack said. "Be on your guard."  
  
"Aye." The Scotsman said.  
  
Just then, they heard a dimwittied sound.  
  
"MEOW!" the sound made.  
  
"What was that?" The Scotsman said.  
  
"just a cat I think." Jack said.  
  
"MEOW..again. Hee hee. ^_^" the voice said.  
  
"That voice." Jack said. "It sounds familiar. And it's coming from down..there. O.o"  
  
Jack and the Scotsman looked down, to see..a kittin. But the kitten was completely black, and had flaming eyebrows, Baku's face, and his long tongue.  
  
"MEOW!. ^_^ I'm a kitty." Baku said. "And I'm gonna get yas. ^_^"  
  
"What is THIS!???" Jack asked impatiently.  
  
"Another dumb tactic I suppose." The Scotsman said.  
  
Back in Akus' lair, Aku once again saw the terrible progress. With his usual annoyed expression, he began to yell again in Baku's mind.  
  
"HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!" Aku yelled into Baku's hed. "I SAID TERRIFYING BEAST!! DO IT AGAIN!!!!!"  
  
"Okee day. ^_^" Baku said.  
  
Baku transformed again into a terrifying beast. Actually, he failed again. He transformed into a puppy.  
  
"BARK BARK!!" Baku said in a cute voice. "I'm a terrifyin' beast. ^_^"  
  
"AKU...ENOUGH OF THIS FOOLISHNESS!!!" Jack said "Transforming into innocent animals will not save yourself from my wrath!"  
  
"But I'm a terrifying beast!" Baku said. "And I'm gonna get ya!"  
  
Baku then leaped at Jack. Jack readied his sword. ButBaku jumped on his face, and then he started to..  
  
"Now I got yas!!" Baku said. "I'm gonna fight ya."  
  
Well actually, it wasn't fighting. Baku was actually licking Samurai Jack's face like a real puppy. This forced Jack tot he ground as Baku kept licking him.  
  
"Hee hee!! Got ya. ^_^" Baku said as he kept licking Jack's face.  
  
"ARRRRGGHHHH!!!" Jack yelled. "Aku is spreading poisonous venom all over me!!" (Jack only assumed this.)  
  
"Hold still Laddie!" The Scotsman said. (holding a rock over Baku and Jack's face.) "I'll get him off for ya!"  
  
Baku then saw the rock.  
  
"uh oh! Big Smashy Hurty Thing!!!" Baku yelled.  
  
As the Scotsman tried to crush Baku with the rock. Baku jumped off, and the rock was heading towards Jack.  
  
"No WAIT..!!" Jack yelled.  
  
Too late. The Scotsman nailed Jack in the face.  
  
"GOT YA!!" The scotsman said in glee. But then he took away the rock and saw Jack's face messed up and saw no flattened Baku. "Oops!!! Sorry laddie! I thought I had him."  
  
"It is..alright." Jack said. (he got up and brushed himself off.) "Now..where did Aku go?"  
  
Suddenly, a fish was thrown at Jack's head. Jack, grimacing, held the fish in his hand. This fish was all black and had flaming eyebrows, as well as Baku's face!  
  
"D'uh..I'm a shark now!!" Baku said "and I'm gonna eat ya!"  
  
"AKU!!!!" Jack yelled "You are just a fish!"  
  
"You no shark!!" The Scotsman yelled "Just a slimly lil' trout!"  
  
"I'm a shark!! =(" Baku growled "And I'm gonna eat you all up. Yummy yumm!!"  
  
the fish form of Baku then jumped in the air and tried to swallow Jack's head. But his mouth got stuck on top of it.  
  
Jack again assumed another dirty tactic.  
  
"AUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!" Jack yelled. "Aku is trying to absorb my brains!!!"  
  
"I GOT HIM THIS TIME!!" The Scotsman yelled. (holding a huge log over Jack's head.)  
  
"No NOT AGAIN.!!" Jack yelled.  
  
"YIKES!!" Baku yelled "Another Big Hurty Smashy Thing!!!!"  
  
Baku then jumped off, just as the Scotsman tried to smash him with the log. The Scotsman hit Jack again over the head with a log. Jack fell to the floor.  
  
"Uh oh!" The Scotsman said. "Sorry laddie! I thought I had him."  
  
After Jack regained conciousness, he looked at the Scotsman.  
  
"Please." He said calmly. "I appreciate the help. But I can only destroy Aku with my sword. Do not use any other objet that might I injure me instead of him."  
  
"Aye." The Scotsman said.  
  
"Now..where did Aku go?" Jack asked.  
  
"Be on the look out Lad!" The Scotsman said. "With the way you were talkin'; sounds like his dumb lil' tactics actually may work."  
  
"I underestimated them." Jack said. "Aku is far more clever than I thought. I was lucky to avoid the venom and to have my mind in tact. Now we must use extra caution. No telling what dirty tactic he may use next. It will probably be unpredictable!"  
  
"hey!" the dim voice cried out again.  
  
  
  
Jack and the Scotsman then saw that a short black frog with flaming eyebrows and Baku's face was sitting on a log, just sitting there.  
  
"A frog?" Jack asked.  
  
"Yeah." Aku said. "I'm a Poisonous Arrow Frog. So come over and touch me!"  
  
  
  
Jack just stared at the Baku frog. So did the Scotsman. Baku just sat there.doing absolutely nothing.  
  
"hey." Baku asked. "You gonna touch me? Huh? C'mon! touch me! Touch me! I'm full of poisonous stuff. So touch me. ^_^"  
  
"..No." Jack said calmly (raising his eyebrow.) "What sort of tactic is this?"  
  
  
  
"Touch me! Touch me! Touch me! Touch meeeeee." Baku kept repeating in a sing-song voice.  
  
"I wonda' if he thinks we're dumb enough to fall fer it?" the Scotsman asked.  
  
"He hasn't done anything either." Jack said. "Surely he can't rely on us falling for this clearly obvious trap."  
  
"D'uh you dun' wanna touch me huh?" Baku said. "That's cause yer a chicken. A big stinkin' chicken. Yeah, a chicken. Moo, moo, moo...Duh'. O__O...I mean Oink Oink Oink..Er..what do chickens sound like again? O___o"  
  
  
  
Jack finally was having enough of this!!!!  
  
"AKU!!!!!" Jack yelled "So far you've done nothing but throw childish tricks at me. None of these tactics you have done so far has worked!! FIGHT ME NOW!!!!"  
  
"Yeah, cut the crap Aku!! "The Scotsman yelled "LET'S FIGHT NOW!!!!"  
  
"Oh..fightin' time?" Baku asked.  
  
"YES!!" Jack said.,  
  
"Ooooohhhh.okay then. ^_^" Baku said.  
  
Baku then transformed into his normal self.  
  
"Now we play' Beat the Samurai'! ^__^" Baku said happily.  
  
"How dare you call this a game AKU!!!" Jack yelled. "Your childish pranks are useless now!!"  
  
"Playtime!!! ^___^" Baku said.  
  
Baku then hobbled over to Jack but then tripped.  
  
"oopsies!!" Baku said.  
  
"ENOUGH AKU!!!!!" Jack said. "NOW YOU DIE!!"  
  
Jack then leaped in the air and tried to swing his sword at Baku. But then Baku jumped outta the way a slinky like summersault.  
  
"Hey!" Baku said. "Can you do this?"  
  
Baku then backflipped like a slinky all over the field. At the same time he was singing an annoying song.  
  
"I'm a lil' slinky, watch me slink! ^_^" Baku sang. "Slink a dink, slink a doo, slinky a dink a dink doo. ^_^"  
  
"What trickery is aku trying NOW!???" Jack asked impatiently.  
  
"It's pretty useless whatever he's doing!" The Scotsman said.  
  
  
  
In the lair of aku; Aku was banging his head against the wall.  
  
"Stupid, Worthless, IDIOTIC, DIM WITTED, SIMPLE MINDED, MORON!!!!!!" Aku yelled. "ENOUGH!! I'VE HAD IT!! TIME TO END THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Baku was still back flipping slinky style. But aku's voice entered his head again.  
  
"ENOUGH BROTHER!!!!!" Aku yelled. "NOW FINISH THE GAME!! LEAP TOWARDS SAMURAI JACK AND HIT HIM!!!!!!!"  
  
"Now?" Baku asked.  
  
"NOW!!!!!!!!" Aku yelled. "JUST HIT HIM!!!"  
  
"Okay. ^_^" Baku said.  
  
Baku then stood up.  
  
"D'uh..now I'm gonna hit you Samurai. ^_^" Baku said dimly.  
  
"Very well then!!" Jack said sternly. "As long as your childish antics cease and we start fighting; then we will finally resolve this."  
  
"Bring it on!!" The Scotsman said.  
  
"Okay. Here I come!! ^_^" Baku said.  
  
Baku then leaped towards Jack, and Jack leaped towards Baku. Baku was waving his arms around randomly like an octopus.  
  
"Gonna hit ya. Gonna hit ya. ^_^" Baku said.  
  
Jack then raised his sword at Baku.  
  
"NOW AKU!!" Jack yelled "I CAST YOU BACK INTO THE PIT OF HATE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Jack thenr aised his sword over Baku's head.  
  
"RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!" Jack yelled.  
  
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! ^___^" Baku yelled.  
  
"RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!" Jack yelled.  
  
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! ^_^" Baku yelled.  
  
"AKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!" Jack yelled "You.ARE.MINNNNNNNNEEEEE!!!!  
  
  
  
And with one mighty stroke; Jack swung his sword at Baku. And stuck it right through Baku's chest. Baku stopped short and saw the sword in his chest.  
  
"......Owwwie. =(" Baku groaned.  
  
And with that, Baku exploded in a black ink of fog. Baku was then transported into the dimension that Jack flung him into with the sword. After a sudden bright light. The black fog cleared. Jack opened his eyes. Baku was gone.  
  
"Ya did it laddie!! ^__^" The Scotsman said. "ya destroyed Aku. ^_^"  
  
"I did it!!" Jack said "I finally did it!!"  
  
Jack then stood up proudly and looked into the sky.  
  
"Father." Jack said "At last, I have succeeded. I hope I have made you proud. My quest has ended. Aku has finally been destroyed. All that is left is to return to my own time. We will finally meet again and restore justice. My long quest through this wretched Aku filled world is no more. Now to return back to the past, and restore the innocence."  
  
"That was beautiful laddie." The scotsman said happily. "Though I find it odd. Don't ya think the final battle with Aku woulda been more dignified?"  
  
"It matters not. "Jack said calmly. "Those were obviously Aku's evil tricks. As long as Aku is gone, it's all that matters."  
  
"Yer right." The Scotsman said. "come now. Let's go celebrate and tell everyone!! Aku is finally gone. ^_^"  
  
"Yes, let us go. ^_^" Jack said. "I have finally done my duties. ^_^"  
  
"Happy day. ^_^" The Scotsman said.  
  
"Yes indeed." Jack said. "It is a happy day for all of us."  
  
"Aye, that it is. =)" The Scotsman said.  
  
The pair then walked proudly into the sunset. Jack felt like he finally destroyed Aku.  
  
  
  
But back in Aku's lair, Aku was still there. He was no longer angry; but now, extremely happy. He then ommitted his chilling evil laughter.  
  
"Hee heee, ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!" Aku laughed evilly. "YES!! It is done!!! My brother is no more; and the Samurai thinks he has won!!! HA HA HA!! FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! Now he is off guard. It is time to strike, and rid him from this world forever!!! HA HA HA!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
With that, Aku transported out of his lair to go get Samurai Jack.  
  
  
  
Back in the fields, Jack and the Scotsman were still marching through victory. The Scotsman was playing a victory song through his bagpipes. Jack for once was actually glad to hear it.  
  
"This is indeed a historic day." Jack said. "Aku is gone, and all obstacles have been removed. Nothing stands between us now."  
  
  
  
Just then, a strange swirling portal appeared.  
  
"Hey!!" The Scotsman yelled. "Look!!"  
  
"A time portal!" Jack said happily. "Incredible! Defeat Aku in one day, and find my portal back in time!! My quest now has finally ended."  
  
"Well." the Scotsman said. "I guess this is goodbye then ol' friend. =("  
  
"Yes indeed." Jack said. "farewell my good friend. I'm sorry I couldn't stay much longer. But now, at least you are free from Aku's clutches."  
  
"Aye." The Scotsman said. "Thank ya. I'll miss ya laddie."  
  
"So will I." Jack said. "So will I."  
  
The Scotsman then laid his body on Jack's shoulder and started to sob severely.  
  
"WAAAHHHH!!!!!" The scotsman cried. "Goodbyes are so painful!"  
  
"Indeed." Jack said. "I'm sorry, but I must go."  
  
"Sniff..sniff." The Scotsman sniffed. "Best of luck to you laddie."  
  
"And to yourself my friend." Jack said.  
  
But then, a long black arm reached out of the portal and grabbed Jack. The black figure also threw Jack's sword on the ground. Jack was compeltely trapped in the black masses.  
  
"WHAT!?????" Jack yelled.  
  
"NO!!!!!!!" the Scotsman yelleD" WHAT IS.?"  
  
And then, that evil laughter was heard. The evil laughter that sounded similar to Jack's ears. Jack's trapped body soon came to a sudden realization. His eyes widened in terror. He turned his head, and saw where the the evil laugh came from.  
  
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The dark figure laughed.  
  
"No.no..NOOOO!!!!!" Jack yelled. "It's..impossible!!! You.you.."  
  
It was none other than Aku. Who trapped Samurai Jack in his vile clutches. Jack could not move, nor was his sword with him.  
  
"SURPRISE SAMURAI!!!!" Aku grinned wickedly. "I AM BACK!! Or.Am I!???!"  
  
"AKU!!!" Jack yelled "How could you have returned!! I flung you into the Pit of Hate!!!"  
  
"WRONG!!!!" Aku smiled. "You flung my BROTHER into the Pit of Hate!!"  
  
"BROTHER!!!??!?!?" Jack yelled. "NO!!!! You.had a brother!! Then, it was HIM I SENT!!!???"  
  
"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!" Aku smiled wickedly again. "You actually thought that idiotic thing you were fighting was me!!? HA!!!!! IGNORANT SAMURAI!!!! That was my brother BAKU!!!! You destroyed him instead of me!! That was the moment I waited to get rid of you!! I sent him to fight you, knowing that you would assume he was me. Now, that he is gone. I had the chance to strike."  
  
"You're even lower than before!!" Jack growled. "Sacrificing your own brother over me!!!!"  
  
"I don't care!!" Aku growled. "I hated him. He was annoying!! I actually thank you for sending him back to where he came!! Now Samurai...it is over! You are..FINISHED!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!"  
  
The Scotsman then ran over to get Jack's sword.  
  
"Ya filthy sod!!" the Scotsman yelled. "I'll take ya on myself!!"  
  
"IDIOTIC SCOTSPERSON!!!" Aku yelled. (He then fired his laser eyes at the Scotsman. They missed, but the explosion from the ground flung the Scotsman back. It knocked him unconcious.  
  
"NO!!!" Jack yelled.  
  
"HA HA!!!!" Aku smiled. "It is futile Samurai!! Nothing can save you now! The sword, your friend; NOTHING!! Now, with my might; I will destroy you in an agonizing way!! FOOL!!!!! This is your punishment for defying me. And you will die knowing this. NO mortal no matter how powerful can defeat the all-mighty AKUUUUUUUUUU!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"No." Jack said in a low sad voice. "I.I..failed."  
  
  
  
Is this the true end of Samurai Jack? Has Aku finally won? And even more so.has Baku been gone completely?  
  
"I'm right here. ^_^" Baku said.  
  
Shhhhhhh. Baka. -__- What will happen? Don't miss out; when the conclusion to this episode of Samurai Jack will be posted soon. The Final Episode. How will Jack survive? And.is Baku truly gone? 


	4. The Nonsense that is Baku: Conclusion

When we last left Jack, he was staring directly into the murderous eyes of Aku. Aku, after all these years, had finally seized Jack and held him within his clutches.  
  
Jack, with his friend out cold, and trapped in Aku's evil clutches, was deceived. Aku, in all of his evil, sent his own brother to fight/play with Jack. But Jack over-powered Aku's simple-minded brother. Thus, Jack was off guard, as he assumed it was Aku. Now Aku has seized Jack, and is ready to make the final blow.  
  
"Goodbye Samurai." Aku growled. "May you join and burn with your worthless father."  
  
"I have disgraced my name." Jack said painfully. "Aku has won. No."  
  
Aku sneered and sharpened his claws, he was ready to strike Jack down with his razor sharp claws and slice him to ribbons. With a mighty thrust he flung his claws towards Jack's heart. He laughed wickedly as the claws neared ever so closely towards Jack. Jack just laid there with his eyes closed. He could not bare his shame. He just wanted Aku to finish him off now, as there was no escape. Jack felt that he had failed, and just wanted to disappear forever.  
  
And Aku felt victorious. His claws were ever so closer to Jack's heart. Aku wasn't going to fail this time.  
  
'At last' Aku thought to himself as he was about to strike Jack. 'The war is over. And I, Aku, the Deliver of Darkness, the shogun of Sorrow.have..w."  
  
Just then, a familiar, and obnoxious voice ringed in Aku's ears.  
  
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy Aku, O' brother of mine. ^^" the voice called.  
  
Aku then stopped short. His eyes widened in terror. He then turned and recoiled in horror. As he recoiled at what he saw, he let his grip off Jack. Jack then realized he was free. He then jumped to the Scotsman's side. He lifted the Scotsman's head up.  
  
"Are you alright?" Jack asked.  
  
"Aye." The Scotsman said. (rubbing his head.) "Just got a wee bit of a bump on the noggin'. What about Aku?"  
  
"He has." Jack started.  
  
But when Jack turned around, his eyes widened even more in terror. For there standing before him, what looked like to him..TWO Akus.  
  
"Aku!!" Jack yelled.  
  
"And another Aku!!" The Scotsman yelled. "What's this all about then?"  
  
Aku was just staring at the dark figure next to him who caught him by surprise. Sure enough, its was his brother, Baku. He somehow came back.  
  
"It.it can't be." Aku stuttered. "How did you escape from 'The Pit of Ignorance'?"  
  
"..Uummmmm.." Baku began. "Pit of..What was the question?"  
  
"did you even go to the 'Pit of Ignorance'?" Aku asked.  
  
"Um.oh yeah.nope. =p" Baku dimly replied.  
  
"But.but.I do not understand!" Aku yelled. "The Samurai struck his sword in you, and you were supposed to be sent into the Pit of Ignorance. Where did you go instead!?"  
  
"Ummmmmmm...oh yeah! ^^" Baku dimly replied again. "I went to the 'Pit of Hat'! ^^ But I didn't see any hats there tho'. =("  
  
"Pit of Hat?" Aku asked. "What nonsense is that?"  
  
"No hats!!" Baku groaned. "Why they call it 'Pit of Hat' if it doesn't have any hats. I wanted a Cat-In-the-Hat Hat. =()"  
  
"Wait." Aku realized his brother's ignorance. "NO!! You were sent to the 'Pit of HATE' instead!???!"  
  
"No silly." Baku said. "Pit of Hat'. Hat...H-A-T-E. Hat. ^^ But there were no hats. =()"  
  
"GRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!" Aku yelled. "WELL if you went to the 'Pit of Hate', why didn't you remain in THERE!??"  
  
"They didn't want me. They kicked me out. ;__;" Baku said, looking very sad.  
  
"WHAT!?!" Aku yelled. "Even THEY didn't want you!?? GRARGH!! How many people hate you anyway!?"  
  
"Dunno. =p" Baku said dimly.  
  
Both Jack and the Scotsman looked puzzled as they observed the discussion between Aku and Baku.  
  
"What is going on here?" Jack asked.  
  
"I see two Akus." The Scotsman said. "One of em looks like the goofy version we fought earlier."  
  
"Then..does this mean.?" Jack began.  
  
"I don't understand!??" Aku yelled. "Why couldn't they just take you brother!??"  
  
"Brother!??" Jack yelled in astonishment.  
  
"Aku has a brother!?? O.O" The Scotsman yelled.  
  
Aku then looked down at Samurai Jack.  
  
"Grrrr.yes Samurai!!" Aku yelled. "I have a worthless, idiot brother!! This is my moronic brother Baku!!"  
  
"Hi.^^" Baku said dimly.  
  
"Why did your sword NOT send him to the Pit of Ignorance!??" Aku yelled.  
  
"Pit of Ignorance!?" Jack asked. "I do not know of a place! My sword was created to send evil into the pit of Hate. The people who created do not know of such a Pit. This sword was only created to cast evil into the Pit of Hate!!"  
  
"WHAT!??" Aku yelled. "YAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!! Once again that accursed sword has eluded my evil!!!!! WHY WON'T YOU AND THAT SWORD DIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!?"  
  
"You're funny when you're angry. ^__^" Baku said.  
  
Jack then readied his sword and stared at Aku.  
  
"So Aku!!" Jack yelled. "Your evil truly extends beyond no bounds. You would even sacrifice your own brother just to rid yourself of me!!"  
  
"BAH!!" Aku yelled. "I could care less!! I HATE my brother!! That idiotic, good-for-nothing, ignorant, pile of simpering stupidity has been as much a curse to my life as you have been!!!!"  
  
"That's what brothers are for. ^^ Lovie Love. ^^" Baku said dimly.  
  
"You SEE!?!!!" Aku yelled. "Today was the day I was to get rid of you and my brother at the same time!! But because of that filthy sword; the plan has failed once AGAIN!!!!!!"  
  
"Like I always said Aku.no matter what you may do.you will never defeat the side of Righteousness!!" Jack said. "Aye!! That be true!!" The Scotsman yelled. "And you're even more of a low down scum sucka' than I imagined. Even people who have their faces lickin' the dirt wouldn't even sacrifice their own brutha's to win a battle."  
  
"exactly!" Jack said. "Which is why low-lives like you will never prevail!!"  
  
"Let's get 'im laddie!!" The Scotsman yelled.  
  
"Yes!!!" Jack yelled. "Let us end this!!!"  
  
Jack and the Scotsman leaped at aku. This time however, Aku did not have any intentions to fight. Because he knew he would lose. Since this plan failed, he needed to find another one.  
  
So he transformed into a huge bat form and flew into the sky.  
  
"You might have eluded me this time Samurai!!" Aku yelled out. "But I am not worried. You survived merely by dumb luck!! Next time you will not be so fortunate!! I will return to you again when I discover a true way to defeat you and your sword!! Until then...FAREWELL!!"  
  
The bat figure then flew away. Baku saw his brother leaving.  
  
"hey bro!" Baku yelled. "Wait fer me!!"  
  
Baku turned into a dumpy looking pelican and flew slowly after Aku with his tiny wings fluttering.  
  
"Wait up o' brother of mine." Baku called back.  
  
"BUZZ OFF!!" Aku yelled back.  
  
"Wanna go with you!!" Baku called out.  
  
"GET LOST!!" Aku yelled.  
Jack and the Scotsman just looked off in the distance.  
  
"Well." Jack began. "It looks as if both me and Aku once again have our plans crushed. Aku did not succeed in destroying me, and I did not succeed in finding a time portal."  
  
"Aye." The Scotsman said. "Sorry laddie. As ya always said, 'Looks like yer quest continues'."  
  
"Indeed." Jack said. "But now, today.I learn something even more horrifying. Aku is not the only one out there. I now know he has a brother. ...not a very smart brother, but still.Evil nonetheless."  
  
"Aye." The Scotsman replied. "And ya know what that means!! He could not only have a brother! He could have other brothers too!! Or even sisters! Or cousins!! Or aunties!! Or Uncles!! Or Grandaddies and grandnannies!! Or In- Laws!! He could have a whole family!!"  
  
"Yes!!" Jack said with a sudden chill. "His evil may be in the presence of others as well."  
  
"I'm getting' scared by this laddie." The Scotsman whimpered. "Hold me. =()"  
  
"I too need the closeness of a friend to comfort my fears." Jack shivered. "Hold me as well."  
  
The two friends then held each other shivering and looking all about them paranoid. The chilly wind whistled by them as they stood their shaking with fear in each other's arms.afraid that toher members of Aku's family could be watching them. (If they existed.)  
  
Back in Aku's lair, Aku's bat form was still being followed by his dumber brother's pelican form.  
  
They changed back into their original forms. Aku had his back turned to his brother. Baku just stood there smiling.  
  
"Gee Aku, that was fun. ^__^" Baku said. "I had fun playing with the Samurai!! He so funny. ^^ Funny skirt guy too. ^^ I just didn't like the 'Pit of Hat' tho'. Why they call it the Pit of Hat anyway? There's no hats there. No hats at all. Why the 'Pit of hat'? Isn't that silly..br.."  
  
"rrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Aku yelled in extreme frustration.  
  
He then turned and angrily faced his brother.  
  
"Can't you see that I utterly loathe you and want you out of my life!??!?!?!?!?!" Aku yelled. "YOU are the most annoying creature I ever had to associate with!!! Did you not even know that that game was to just get rid of you!?? It's because I HATE you!! Why!?? Why do you keep hanging around me!?? Why won't you just go away!??"  
  
Baku just stared blankly at Aku's evil frowning face with his teeth all grit. Baku just stared for a while. But soon, a dim smile appeared again.  
  
"Because I love you. ^^" Baku said. "Like Mr. Fluffy Nutty Bunny said. Be nice to your brother, and give him a big ol' hug. So it's Huggie Time Aku, o' brother of mine. ^___^"  
  
"ARGH!!" Aku growled. "That sword and that rabbit are the most accused items ever!!"  
  
Aku then felt his brother wrap his arms around him.  
  
"Love you o' brother. ^^" Baku smiled.  
  
Aku just grimaced in his brother's arms.  
  
"Once again." Aku grumbled. "My life filled with annoyances continues.- ______-()"  
  
"Kissies!! ^^" Baku replied. (He then licked Aku's face.)  
  
"BLEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!!!" Aku yelled.  
  
"hee hee!!" Baku smiled. "you so funny. ^^"  
  
"You want funny!??" Aku yelled. "I'll show you funny!!!"  
  
Aku then punched his brother straight in the face sending him flying.  
  
"Now THAT is funny." Aku said in delight.  
  
But Baku was unaffected by it. He just giggled.  
  
"hee hee! Again. ^^" Baku called back.  
  
"Errrggghhhh.." Aku grumbled. "Accursed Samurai and brother. You two have just made my life more miserable. Now I don't know which to get rid of first!! Whatever will I do to rid myself of these miserable beings."  
  
"Ow!!" Baku yelled. (He then held up a sharp stick) "Hey Aku! Did you know that you can really hurt your eye with these things!?"  
  
"....Once again, the Saga of my Headaches continue." Aku grimaced.  
And thus, Aku now lives with two annoyances plaguing his life. His nemesis Samurai Jack and his dim-witted brother. Such is the price one pays when over taking the world with evil. The Saga continues once again. Samurai Jack still lives. As does Aku's brother. The Sogun of Sorrow must once again live with his own misery. But like all stories and time itself, Evil always gets the bitter end of the side of life. No matter how hard they try.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------THE END------------ -------------------------  
  
Baku: "Gotta go splat. Back to the cat! Salami Jack!! Hee hee. ^^ "Gotta place mat!! Back of my rat!! Sasami Jack!! Ha ha!^^  
  
"doo de doo. Doo de doo. Doo doo doo!! "Jack, Jacks, Juke, Jym, Jyke." "Doo de doo, Doo de doo. Doo doo doo!! "Jumping Jack, Junk, Junk, Jackie!^^"  
  
"Gotta eat smack!! Suzuki Jack!! Watch out Jane!! ^__^"  
  
Aku: "Please ignorant human Shenloken! KILL MY BROTHER!!!!" 


End file.
